Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Gaining Her Balance

Smart and sassy
   full of drama
High emotion
   fuel the flames
Strong and tender
   full of grace
Strum the heartstrings
   spread the love
       So much potential
       So much confusion
       So many questions
       So many concerns
       So much to wonder
       So much to ponder
       So many ways it can
       all fall apart
Smiling and laughing
   full of dreams
Loved and forgiven
   embracing herself

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Breaking News!! More Coffee!!

Thanks to frugal-bonvivant.com for the image.
September 29th is National Coffee Day! I've seen this in exactly one source that I don't consider very reliable but it doesn't take much to get me excited about coffee. Rumor has it that there are vendors giving out free coffee but none of the ones I've heard about have very good coffee so I'm going to pass on the free stuff and pay my own way. It's patriotic, after all.

Last night hubby had a meeting and since it was likely to be a long one, I made chocolate chip cookies and iced decaf coffee for the group. Much of the coffee (and a few of the cookies) came back home so Monkey and Peanut have kid-friendly coffee at the ready, which delights them to no end. I think snack this afternoon is going to be mocha-liscious.

Drink up my dears! and have a happy mental health day.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Coffee = Happiness

I don't know if you've heard the news but there's a new study out which found that women who drink coffee are less depressed. Basically, daily is better than weekly, and more is better than less.

There are the usual caveats - the findings are correlative instead of causitive, the study may not generalize well to a normal population, addictive substance, etc. - but from this corner of the world I'd say they're spot on. At our house, a caffeinated Mama is a happy Mama.

So, on this drizzly day of gotta-dos, take a moment to raise a mug to your mental health. Salud!

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Nearness of You

Puddin' sings random songs all day long. Sometimes the songs narrate her day but more often, they are words and sounds strung together in nonsense phrases. Today, in the midst of one of these songs, Puddin' sang the line "it's all ok and I know you love me even when you're not here" and then morphed back into the Dali-esque lyrics she's known for. I took a moment to soak that one in. She knows that she is loved, regardless of whether or not the people offering that love are tangibly present.

Folks often marvel at how well Puddin' expresses herself. Stan and I marvel at how self-aware she is. This tiny person has grasped the concept that love doesn't require physical nearness and has learned enough words to put that deep thought into words that clearly express it. And then she put it to music. I hope to God that she can keep these realizations as she grows.

Then, of course, she starts into something like "that chocolate comes from cows. I only like chocolate that comes from cows," and sets me off on a totally different sort of marveling.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Grandfather Moutain

Our mountain get-away this year was to Grandfather Mountain. We drove most of the way up but did a short hike to the top. The big news is, Puddin' climbed it herself. She needed a little bit of help climbing up rocks half her height but other than that she was a total trooper. Peanut was thrilled to be out and moving so she zoomed ahead repeatedly. Peanut often feels the need to blaze the trail and this was even more true out there on an actual trail. Monkey had a harder time getting engaged but eventually found her groove, looking at rocks.


The other big news is that all three girls climbed the swinging bridge (suspension bridge a mile above sea level, connecting two peaks on the mountain) without a moment's hesitation. I, however, was a wuss. I had horrible images of traumatically losing my family and froze. I think that I could have done it if I were on my own but not with my darlings there, which I pondered fruitlessly while I waited. How can I love the mountains so but have such strong reactions to the height? Is this new since motherhood or did I repress earlier fears out of foolish pride? Maybe some day I'll understand. While I mused, I could see the crew because of Peanut's bright pink shirt. Sitting on the safe side while they climbed very close to the edge was terror-inducing but I passed the time by taking pictures for other families that were just as cowardly as me.

Eventually they came wandering back to me and we all moved along. The little hike down was a bit tougher on Puddin' but she still insisted on doing it all herself. We convinced her to accept a little hand holding and all was well. I find it amazing what small ones will do when we give them the chance. Hopefully I'll remember that tomorrow when they're each asking for something to do.


In addition to hiking we also stopped to see the animal habitats. The group that runs the mountain has zoo-like enclosures for local wildlife so that visitors can get acquainted with Blue Ridge natives. The bears were impressive but shy. The deer are a pretty common sight, even in our suburban world. The cougar wouldn't come out to play. The otters, however, were charming. Each of the girls came away with an appreciation of otters and a desire to play with them. Many years ago, my father put a copy of Ring of Bright Water in front of me and I've longed to have otters friends ever since. I hope my daughters will stay interested long enough to read the book with me sometime soon.



Our final stop on the mountain was the fudge shop. The glee was immense, and so was the pile of fudge we carried out of there. Each of us chose a flavor to share and we gorged ourselves on a fudge buffet for the next few days. In case you stop by: the dark chocolate fudge is deceptively simple, and elegantly tasty. Deep, rich chocolate that slowly seeps into the taste buds. Scrumptious.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. We arrived at our hotel after bedtime but still decided to indulge in quick late-night family swim. Monkey and Peanut were amazed at the heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the middle of the room. We almost let them use it but ran out of time the next morning. That would have been quite the picture, though. Too bad we couldn't make it work.

We arrived at camp just in time and both Monkey and Peanut went running off to greet their friends, which is just as it should be, but for 24 hours they were ours. These moments are becoming more rare so they are also increasingly valuable. All 5 of us, bound together with love and nature.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Soundtrack of a Meltdown

Earlier this week I had a meltdown. The kids were each whining, ignoring, disobeying, or something of that ilk - all at the same time - and it was just too much. I put myself in timeout, pounded my pillows, stomped on the floor, whisper screamed all the things I'm not supposed to actually say, then wiped my tears and went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

I sat in my favorite chair just long enough to drink my tea and, while there, listened to my ipod on shuffle. My ipod must have been eavesdropping on my afternoon because the next five songs were each in their own way a perfect accompaniment to the emotional angst of my moment. Here is the soundtrack of my meltdown:


"Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can



"Time After Time" by Eva Cassidy
Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time


"Once You've Loved Somebody" by The Dixie Chicks
I should go out tonight
Get on with my life
Break these chains of solitude
With a little luck and a little help
I might even find myself
In the arms of someone new

Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you


"Down In Flames" by Mindy Smith
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That's how it's been for a while

And life's so hard

It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can to not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

I need some direction

I need someone to listen
Someone to tell me that they know


"What it Means to Love" by Meredith Andrews
How could I forget Your face
When all it took was just one day
For me to see it wasn't ordinary
I could never be the same


You took my hand and led the way
I didn't even know Your name
But something happened deep inside me
And I knew life would have to change


So how could I go back to life as usual
And how could I return to who I once was
I just want to take your story to the world
‘Cause you have shown me what it means to love


You healed the sick, You calmed the sea
But Your heart was for the least of these
You came to love the lost and broken
Your cross has set the captive free


Now I no longer live for myself
Your words are so clear
Help me live it loud enough so they can hear 


In the space of five songs, I wondered what I had done wrong, and how I could be better; I marveled at the misty changes from the beautiful love we used to share; I contemplated leaving them; I wallowed in the pain and sadness; and then I remembered the love that empowers me to get up from my comfy chair and cook the little rugrats dinner. We were all just fine from that point on. Thank God for grace, tea, and good music.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Sweater in a heat wave

Heady perfume of pee and sweat. Walking, wandering, shifting, moving. Rock pillows, bench slat beds. Nothing for blankets but whatever you own. Sweater in a heatwave, fully dressed in August so no one steals your life while you nap. Scrap dinners and hand out snacks. Longing for fruit but getting starbursts. Eventually the longing ends. Constipation, coughs, cancor sores, callouses. No conversation, no touching. Skin longs for skin, mind longs for mind. Only yourself to depend on until you finally give up. Fear of people - will he molest me? Will she snub me? Will they lock me up? Life survived but not lived. Tomorrow can't be better but can easily be worse.