Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Soundtrack of a Meltdown

Earlier this week I had a meltdown. The kids were each whining, ignoring, disobeying, or something of that ilk - all at the same time - and it was just too much. I put myself in timeout, pounded my pillows, stomped on the floor, whisper screamed all the things I'm not supposed to actually say, then wiped my tears and went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

I sat in my favorite chair just long enough to drink my tea and, while there, listened to my ipod on shuffle. My ipod must have been eavesdropping on my afternoon because the next five songs were each in their own way a perfect accompaniment to the emotional angst of my moment. Here is the soundtrack of my meltdown:


"Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can



"Time After Time" by Eva Cassidy
Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time


"Once You've Loved Somebody" by The Dixie Chicks
I should go out tonight
Get on with my life
Break these chains of solitude
With a little luck and a little help
I might even find myself
In the arms of someone new

Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you


"Down In Flames" by Mindy Smith
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That's how it's been for a while

And life's so hard

It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can to not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

I need some direction

I need someone to listen
Someone to tell me that they know


"What it Means to Love" by Meredith Andrews
How could I forget Your face
When all it took was just one day
For me to see it wasn't ordinary
I could never be the same


You took my hand and led the way
I didn't even know Your name
But something happened deep inside me
And I knew life would have to change


So how could I go back to life as usual
And how could I return to who I once was
I just want to take your story to the world
‘Cause you have shown me what it means to love


You healed the sick, You calmed the sea
But Your heart was for the least of these
You came to love the lost and broken
Your cross has set the captive free


Now I no longer live for myself
Your words are so clear
Help me live it loud enough so they can hear 


In the space of five songs, I wondered what I had done wrong, and how I could be better; I marveled at the misty changes from the beautiful love we used to share; I contemplated leaving them; I wallowed in the pain and sadness; and then I remembered the love that empowers me to get up from my comfy chair and cook the little rugrats dinner. We were all just fine from that point on. Thank God for grace, tea, and good music.