this plus that

On our weekly library trips, Puddin' and I have a routine. She picks out books with recognizable characters - Dora, Blue, Ms. Frizzle, etc. - and I find an equal number of picture books from the stacks. Often, she focuses her attention on the series books and ignores my choices. She'll let us read one as a bedtime story but they aren't her daytime playtime books. Every once in a while, though, I find one that captures her attention. this plus that is one of those books. Here's the trailer:

(Since when do books have trailers? It's an odd world we live in.)

Reading this book with Puddin' this morning I came across the words "good days + bad days = real life" and "once upon a time + happily ever after = pretend." Honestly, we all know that, right? This shouldn't be news but some days I need a reminder. Today, those words smacked me upside the head. Today, whether it's a nine-scoop-ice-cream-cone day or a trip-and-the-scoops-scatter day, it's going to be ok, because it's real.

Thanks, Doc.

We had a well-check at the pediatrician today. They called us back almost on time, the nurse did her thing, and we were told the doctor would be right with us. After a long wait, I started to get annoyed - not really annoyed but just enough to wonder whether this is a doctor we want to continue seeing. We finally gave in and started eating our snack. Almost immediately, we heard the knock on the door. "I'm sorry for your long wait. The patient before you presented with a couple issues. He was born with his intestines on the outside."

I stopped chewing for a moment and pondered. The doctor continued, quickly but with attention to detail. He remarked frequently on how polite, well-behaved, and healthy Puddin' was. Our Dear Doctor seemed to find comfort in the unremarkable normality of his current patient. As for me, the assertive, independent behavior that had driven me crazy all morning was shining brilliantly in the glow of normal human development.

I'll never know him, but that unnamed kid was definitely worth thirty minutes of my time. Blessings to you, little guy. I hope you grow up well. With compassionate folks like Dear Doctor looking after you, you've got a good chance.

Joyful Noise

While waiting not-quite-patiently for her favorite show to come on, Puddin' asked me to play "concert" with her. She claimed the keyboard and I brought out my djembe. We ran through a song straight out of Puddin's imagination and then she started ordering me around.

"I'm the leader of this church." (Stan and I are both highly involved in music at our church so that's the context Puddin' knows for live music.)
"Puddin, I want to make decisions about the music too."
"Well, we can both be the leaders."

Puddin' tried a wide variety of keyboard sounds while I banged away on the djembe. Puddin' told me I was probably going to hurt my drum but was pleasantly surprised to hear me say that drums are meant for hitting and loud noises. From that point on, Puddin' drummed.

We tried every percussion instrument in our collection, including the vintage marching drum that lives at our house, courtesy of Papa.

Eventually, I moved to guitar when Puddin' started requesting recognizable songs. When we got to "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the key I played was higher than Puddin' is used to singing. She sang in her usual range, then cocked her head to the side and tried a different key. She tried yet another and gave me a quizzical look. I modeled the correct key and she joined in merrily, keeping time with the shakers all the while.

As a musical mama, I love seeing my darling take chances with music. As a proud mama, I'm creating mental pictures of what her career in music will look like. Mostly, though, I'm grateful for company in my drum circle today. Thanks for playing with me today, smooch. And thanks to all of you, for letting me brag just a little. Sometimes it's hard to hold all the wonderful inside.

Words to warm a mama's heart

Today at our house we had one of those non-emergency situations we prepare for that don't happen very often. Monkey commented on the odd event and I said "Yes, but you did exactly what you were supposed to. Thank you." Monkey looked at me for a moment with her head cocked to the side and said "Things go better when I do what I'm supposed to." Amen, my darling, and may it be ever so.

Parenting is Serious Business

Puddin': No Daddy, that's not right.
Stan: Is it ok for me to be silly?
Puddin': Yeah, but not when you're parenting.

Halloween 2011

Peanut, the prom queen. We didn't do any coaching for the photo - this is natural. Just imagine when she gets chosen in high school and finally gets her real crown! By the way: Nana, this is one of your tiaras. Peanut did her best to live up to the legacy you left for her.

Monkey, the mouse. We have a handful of photos over the years with her in similar positions. This girl loves pretending and taking on the life of something else. If she could get over her stage fright, she'd have an awesome time in theatre. She has the makings of a scene-stealing character actor.

Puddin', the pumpkin. I kept calling her my pumpkin puddin' pie and she was adamant that she is NOT a pumpkin, nor is she a pie. She is a person and she wants you to respect that. You have been warned.

The Nearness of You

Puddin' sings random songs all day long. Sometimes the songs narrate her day but more often, they are words and sounds strung together in nonsense phrases. Today, in the midst of one of these songs, Puddin' sang the line "it's all ok and I know you love me even when you're not here" and then morphed back into the Dali-esque lyrics she's known for. I took a moment to soak that one in. She knows that she is loved, regardless of whether or not the people offering that love are tangibly present.

Folks often marvel at how well Puddin' expresses herself. Stan and I marvel at how self-aware she is. This tiny person has grasped the concept that love doesn't require physical nearness and has learned enough words to put that deep thought into words that clearly express it. And then she put it to music. I hope to God that she can keep these realizations as she grows.

Then, of course, she starts into something like "that chocolate comes from cows. I only like chocolate that comes from cows," and sets me off on a totally different sort of marveling.

Soundtrack of a Meltdown

Earlier this week I had a meltdown. The kids were each whining, ignoring, disobeying, or something of that ilk - all at the same time - and it was just too much. I put myself in timeout, pounded my pillows, stomped on the floor, whisper screamed all the things I'm not supposed to actually say, then wiped my tears and went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

I sat in my favorite chair just long enough to drink my tea and, while there, listened to my ipod on shuffle. My ipod must have been eavesdropping on my afternoon because the next five songs were each in their own way a perfect accompaniment to the emotional angst of my moment. Here is the soundtrack of my meltdown:


"Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can


"Time After Time" by Eva Cassidy
Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time

"Once You've Loved Somebody" by The Dixie Chicks
I should go out tonight
Get on with my life
Break these chains of solitude
With a little luck and a little help
I might even find myself
In the arms of someone new

Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you

"Down In Flames" by Mindy Smith
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That's how it's been for a while

And life's so hard
It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can to not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

I need some direction
I need someone to listen
Someone to tell me that they know

"What it Means to Love" by Meredith Andrews
How could I forget Your face
When all it took was just one day
For me to see it wasn't ordinary
I could never be the same

You took my hand and led the way
I didn't even know Your name
But something happened deep inside me
And I knew life would have to change

So how could I go back to life as usual
And how could I return to who I once was
I just want to take your story to the world
‘Cause you have shown me what it means to love

You healed the sick, You calmed the sea
But Your heart was for the least of these
You came to love the lost and broken
Your cross has set the captive free

Now I no longer live for myself
Your words are so clear
Help me live it loud enough so they can hear 

In the space of five songs, I wondered what I had done wrong, and how I could be better; I marveled at the misty changes from the beautiful love we used to share; I contemplated leaving them; I wallowed in the pain and sadness; and then I remembered the love that empowers me to get up from my comfy chair and cook the little rugrats dinner. We were all just fine from that point on. Thank God for grace, tea, and good music.

Thou Shalt Not Be Bored

Recently we got a notice about a parenting seminar at the elementary school. "What to do with your kids this summer." I figure we're pros by now and there's no reason to waste an evening. Stan urged and almost insisted. Stan was right. I went to the seminar and came home with more ideas than I could possibly use in a summer. It doesn't seem fair to hoard them all so here's a smattering to share with brothers and sisters-in-arms.

Pie made from farmer's market cherries

Kitchen:

• bake and decorate a cake
• kids plan family meal and create shopping list
• have a tea party
• have kids pick foods to try at the farmer's market and plan a meal around what you bring home

Outside:

• watch the sun rise
• sit on the porch or by a window and watch a storm
• go star-gazing
• paint letters, words, and numbers with water and a paint brush
• use crayons and paper to make rubbings of tree bark patterns

Science experiment from last year. We love goop.

Science:

• gather a pile of objects and have kids guess which will sink and which will float
• use ribbon, bubbles, kites to see which way the wind is blowing
• find sources of iron in the house using magnets. Do different magnets behave differently? 
• make goop with corn starch, water, and food coloring
• try to sprout new growth from "garbage" food (carrot tops, potato eyes)

Math:

• take timed walks around the block. Practice telling time as you race to beat your family time.
• have kids throw a ball and then measure how far it went. How does that compare to the next throw?
• have child pick up 1+2+3+4 things in his/her room
• have child add up all the change in your pocket or purse

Service:

• bake for a family friend
• offer to help a neighbor with simple yard work
• write letters to elderly in church congregation or in a nursing home
• pick up litter in the neighborhood

Color experiments

Creativity:

• make cards and send them
• give kids a list of words and have them write a story using as many as possible
• write a song together
• have child draw on paper with a white candle then paint over it with watercolors
• study the work of one artist and see if children can imitate the style
• place 1 or 2 drops of food coloring on opposite sides of a bowl of milk. stand back and watch them swirl. (this moves to science if you talk with the kids about why it works that way.)

Active:

• garden
• observation walks
• create an indoor bowling alley with empty coke bottles and a rubber ball
• hide a treasure, make a map, and send them on their way.

This is our dentist's office.

Imagination:

• have child choose 4 to 5 pictures and then number them. The child tells a story using each of the pictures. 
• take an imaginary space trip with your child
• visit ethnic shops, food stores, and restaurants. Look at maps to plan your trip, and use books to set the stage before you go and review the culture afterwards.
• camp out in the living room. tell stories by flashlight.

Processing Summer:

• make a poster or scrapbook from ticket stubs, program notes, etc as the summer goes on
• keep a journal with drawings and thoughts from each day or each outing
•  use a large calendar to write messages, weather reports, or notes on activities

I hope these ideas help you and your children (not to mention me and mine) have blissful summer fun. Just a reminder, the vast majority of these ideas are not my own but came from a swath of parenting resources. I wish I could credit the creators but like much parenting brilliance, these ideas came without bylines.

Error Codes

Blogger (blogspot) has not been functioning terribly well this week. There was some update that went badly and then they had to restore to a previous state. Most of this has been fixed but somewhere in the midst of it, my blogger profile is tainted. I finally figured out how to get into editing and posting through a few sneaky tricks but if I try the official method I end up with a variety of error codes. This got me thinking ... what if there were error codes parenting?

ERROR_ARENA_TRASHED
There are too many toys in this room.

ERROR_BAD_ENVIRONMENT
Someone is cleaning your room today. Who will it be?

ERROR_TOO_MANY_THREADS
There are 17 dirty pairs of underwear under your dresser.

ERROR_CHILD_NOT_COMPLETE
Homework must be complete before dancing naked down the hall.

ERROR_ARITHMETIC_OVERFLOW
Each child is responsible for her own homework.

ERROR_WAIT_NO_CHILDREN
Tell a parent where you are going before you leave.

ERROR_NESTING_NOT_ALLOWED
Worms stay in the dirt - the outside dirt.

ERROR_NO_VOLUME_LABEL
Spiders are not grounds for shrieking.

ERROR_SHARING_VIOLATION
Do not steal the preschooler's toys.

RPC_S_PROXY_ACCESS_DENIED
Proper identification required for Mama's 4-inch heels.

ERROR_DEVICE_DOOR_OPEN
Close the fridge. Close it. Really. Close the fridge NOW!

ERROR_NOT_ENOUGH_QUOTA
Eat your vegetables.

ERROR_BAD_FUNCTION_TABLE
You left dishes on dinner table for someone else to clean up.

ERROR_VIRUS_INFECTED
Washing hands after potty is not optional.

ERROR_ILLEGAL_FLOAT_CONTEXT
Flush the potty.

ERROR_ATOMIC_LOCKS_NOT_SUPPORTED
Your hair is still full of shampoo bubbles.

ERROR_NETWORK_BUSY
Stop interrupting my sentence.

ERROR_EXTRANEOUS_INFORMATION
I don't need to know what color shoes your teacher wore today.

ERROR_BAD_ARGUMENTS
Don't make me settle this. You don't like my solutions.

WAIT_TIMEOUT
Next time settle the argument for yourselves.

ERROR_FAIL_SHUTDOWN
Go back to bed and stay there this time.

ERROR_NO_INHERITANCE
Just you wait.

That should get me started. What error messages would you like to see for your daily life?

From the mouth of preschoolers

Puddin's song of the moment: "A big daddy and a short mama."

I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are since she went to mumbles and hums after that. It must be a work in progress. I also have no idea what prompted the song at this particular time. I know that she does speak truth, however. Notice in the picture here that my feet are barely touching the ground and yet Stan's knees are bent past 90˚.

On a different note, Stan and I should have our picture taken together more often. I had to go back to last summer to find anything with both of us in it that didn't center around children. Seeing this, I'm longing for summer and vacation and time to enjoy life with my darling dear. The busyness of spring is wearing me out.

Bundled in Boston

 Last weekend our family trekked to Boston to watch our friend run the marathon. I spent many Patriot's days watching and cheering during my years in Beantown and it was great fun to share the experience with my family.

We stayed with our dear friend Brie, who should win a Hostess of the Year prize in addition to her many accolades as an all around fabulous person. She even taught Monkey & Peanut how to crochet. Thanks Brie!

We found a great spot to cheer the runners on, not long after Heartbreak Hill. Monkey & Puddin' were reluctant at first but with a little coaching got into the spirit of it. They enjoyed being loud but even more so, they enjoyed seeing the difference their cheering made on the runners.

Puddin' had a harder time. She was overwhelmed by the noise and commotion. She reluctantly cheered a little for this picture but mostly just wanted to be held, sheltered from the masses around her. This week, however, she's reliving some of those moments. Puddin' started a marathon game where we take turns running and cheering each other on.

Here's our friend Bob, in the lime green shirt. Wahoooo!

After a yummy late lunch (scrumptious Thai from Brown Sugar Cafe) we headed over to Harvard Square for treats. Peet's coffee for me, Burdicks chocolate for the rest. Here's Stan checking out the menu with Puddin' and Monkey. They all thoroughly enjoyed their choices, and I'm still basking in the coffee glory with Garuda blend that Brie sent home.

With the whole gang in tow, I didn't get the chance to visit with as many friends as I would have liked. But I'm very grateful for the time I did have. Thanks especially to Jess, John & Sophia for changing your schedule to come have dinner with us. I got to have one of my favorite dishes with one of my favorite people.

Thanks also to Misch and Tara for letting me crash the baby shower. It was great to celebrate with you and be part of the baby phases in your lives.

We did a family photo shoot at the BU beach, the largest plot of grass on my alma mater. (although, BU wasn't very nourishing for me so the title must be said with tongue planted in cheek.) I love how the kids personalities show up in each photo.

A big thanks to Bill, who helped Bob, his family, and a few runner friends find a fabulous and cheap place to stay for the weekend. Bill, who already had a place in my heart, took wonderful care of my friends and went out of his way to be generous to people he had never met. This guy is a testament to the love and grace of God and I'm blessed to know him.

Taking Monkey & Peanut was a last minute change to our plans but I'm so glad it turned out that way. We had a great time sight-seeing, eating, cheering, and riding the T. I'm so grateful to the friends who helped me share my former city with my family. And I'm grateful to Stan for tolerating the cold & drizzle: next vacation will be warm, I promise.

Circles of Influence

This week has been spring break at our house. We got back from a road trip to Boston and the next day the kids were a little at a loss without masses of extra stimulation. At the first complaint I sent Monkey outside with a list of things to find: different species of birds, trees, mammals, & flowers. Peanut hurriedly grabbed a clipboard and went to join her sister. Together they marched around the yard and then up and down our street. They came back with pictures and written descriptions of all they had seen.

Before they could switch modes I handed them a large beaded necklace and told them to spread it out as a circle somewhere in the yard. Their assignment, after Monkey calculated the area, was to list all forms of life they found within their circle. Puddin' just HAD to have a circle too so they all ran off with their magnifying glasses to work on their assignment together.

Later I mentioned something to Monkey about science time and it took her a few moments to figure out what I was talking about. It seems the kids consider this kind of thing completely normal, which this nerdy mama finds wonderfully comforting.

Wet Panty Blues

Potting training has exposed my severe lack of patience. I get disproportionately upset to the mishaps and dirty panties. Why, oh why can't Puddin' just go to the potty? She knows what to do, has all the necessary skills, but won't deliver. She does not want to.

This morning she stood talking to me then squatted and waddled to the bathroom. She called over her shoulder as she penguined away - "Mama, will you go get me new pants please?" grr. I told her I was sad. I told her I was angry. I told her we might have to go back to diapers. In short, I did everything the experts say not to do. My anger and frustration leads her to feel anxiety, which increases her reluctance to try using the potty. Vicious cycle, which adds to the nasty laundry cycle we've already got going. grrr.

The thing is, I know part of the reason she had an accident this morning is that she had a crazy weekend with little downtime and not enough sleep. I also know that most of the reason I'm easily angered today is a crazy weekend with little creative time and not enough sleep. sigh.

I put Puddin' down for a nap and grumpily went to find some indoor cardio options. Did you know that on some websites there's a cardio entry for playing an instrument? Seriously? Squats and push-ups don't count but playing my guitar does? If you play tuba in marching band you totally deserve cardio points but that can't be what they mean because marching band has it's own entry. It's a mad, mad fitness world.

Obviously I chose playing an instrument. It doesn't give me a whole lot of calories burned but the mental health benefits are incalculable. I've practiced and I am a healthier person for it. Bring on the wet panties - I can take it.

(I also did some footloose-style dancing with hand weights but let's just keep that between us.)

Not My Job

As a stay-at-home, my job description is fuzzy at best. My husband cooks a little on weekends but for the most part it's my job. Homework time is my domain. Instrument practice, ferrying to lessons - mostly me. Feeding the preschool mind - me. I know that cleaning is my job but I rarely get to that one. Laundry - my life sentence.

In the midst of this I'm also volunteering, practicing my own arts, keeping up with world events, and trying to get myself healthy. I never get to it all in one day but in a good week I hit all the marks at least once. Balance is elusive: I bounce briskly from one activity to the next, all the while wishing I could float gently instead. Just as I find myself holding steady, something comes along to knock me off my beam. Tonight was one of those nights.

Peanut is a bright enough child that she was placed in an accelerated program this year. She's never had to work hard before so this year has been a shock. She's a dramatic child with a history of histrionics. When she feels her world is off-kilter, she flips out. My job is to right her keel and get her sailing smoothly again. I have my own dramatic tendencies so I've got to be in a good state when working with her. I calm myself. Together we calm her. We talk through the hard emotions and help her understand her world. We look at the problem she's facing and find strategies to solve. Finally, she can go back to her homework - hopefully without anymore meltdowns. It's been getting better lately, though. I thought we were through the worst of it.

Today, we had another messy fit. Turns out her teacher gave her math homework that she had no concept how to do. We looked through the math journal for evidence that the work had been taught at some point but no. Instead we found months worth of incomplete and incorrect school work. This journal is supposed to live at school so we never see it. It's astoundingly bad. Our little math genius does not have a clue what she's supposed to do with this journal. It's a mess of scribbled notes and badly glued worksheets. Our curious kid who loves to learn is now convinced that she's not good enough. Bad teaching has killed her curiosity.

So now, in addition to the bathrooms that need to be scrubbed and the mounds of laundry I could lose my preschooler in, I have a new title: I am now a math teacher. To be fair, I do have a degree in education, with a significant chunk focused on teaching math. And my brilliant physicist hubby will play an admirable role as co-teacher, but he has to go earn our money so there's only so much teaching time for him. Peanut is going to be ok. She's got parents who love her and who have the skills to make up for the appalling teaching her school has provided. The point is, it's not my job. If this is the way it has to be, the school could at least do a little laundry for me. It's only fair.

Notes on Springtime

I dropped off a bill at the post office and suddenly an urgent voice came from the back seat.

"Can we go home and get my notes to put in the box?"
"What notes, smoochy?"
"The ones I have."

Puddin' insisted she had notes that must be mailed immediately. I convinced her that we could wait a little while to post her notes - especially if she went home and made some more. Puddin' instantly agreed and decided she would make a "lellow" note for Grandmama with flowers, pretty yellow flowers from her garden. (The nearly 3 year-old remembers planting in her grandmother's garden just once almost a year ago.)

We gathered pretty paper scraps, glue, stamps, ink and set to work. Puddin' glued & stamped, colored & sorted until she ran out of stuff. By the end I had a proud Puddin' and a plethora of springy, flowery notes to brighten the days of a few of her people. Making them was the pick-me-up I needed this cold & dreary week. Spring is indeed coming. It's only a matter of time.

Happy Spring! Love, Puddin' (& Mama)

First Blush

Monkey & Peanut have shown curiosity over the years over what wine is and how it's experienced. They've been able to look and sniff but obviously, they can't drink. We've found a way to do "wine" tasting with the kids. These fabulous juices are 100% varietal so the kids can taste what cabernet sauvignon, merlot, syrah, and chardonnay taste like.

Monkey - who is a lover of all things sweet - says these are too much for her. She's tried them diluted and likes it better that way. Next she's going to try diluting with seltzer water, which should give a slight tart to battle the syrupy sweet.

Peanut likes them but doesn't discern a lot of difference at this point. She does enjoy drinking what the grown-ups drink and will match her juice choice to our wine choice whenever possible.

Puddin' likes the colors of the bottles. Yellow is her favorite.

Nerd Chic

I've tried to write up a catchy story to go along with this picture but nothing I've come up with can compare to the fabulousness of Puddin' rockin' her nerd chic. Therefore, please enjoy and feel free to add your own stories in the comments.

Evidence of Listening

Puddin' is playing with a bright blue stuffed "marshmallow" Peep. She put the poor dear in time-out for some unknown infraction. When she finally took him out she said in her sweetest voice "Even though I'm mad at you I still love you." I think she may have actually listened during our don't-pee-in-your-pants conversation this morning.

Then she proceeded to repeatedly throw Peepy-Peep on the floor. Maybe I don't want to take credit after all.

The Big Green Tofer

I've been wondering when Puddin' would cease to be a toddler and move on to the preschool category. She loves letters and numbers but that's fairly normal for the age (2 months shy of 3.) She enjoys "reading" stories to us more than having them read. Maybe that's a little ahead of the game but not much.

Today, on our walk to the pick up Peanut, Puddin' recognized 4 of the letters reading "Toter" on the side of a neighbor's trash can. She missed the second "t" because the font had a pronounced serif. She proclaimed it an "f," which is what it would have been if it had been flipped vertically.

I'm stunned. And now, undeniably, I am the mom of a preschooler. I told Puddin' as much. "Why, Mama?" "Well, you're growing a lot and learning new kinds of things. How does it feel?" "Good."