Soundtrack of a Meltdown

Earlier this week I had a meltdown. The kids were each whining, ignoring, disobeying, or something of that ilk - all at the same time - and it was just too much. I put myself in timeout, pounded my pillows, stomped on the floor, whisper screamed all the things I'm not supposed to actually say, then wiped my tears and went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

I sat in my favorite chair just long enough to drink my tea and, while there, listened to my ipod on shuffle. My ipod must have been eavesdropping on my afternoon because the next five songs were each in their own way a perfect accompaniment to the emotional angst of my moment. Here is the soundtrack of my meltdown:


"Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can


"Time After Time" by Eva Cassidy
Sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time

"Once You've Loved Somebody" by The Dixie Chicks
I should go out tonight
Get on with my life
Break these chains of solitude
With a little luck and a little help
I might even find myself
In the arms of someone new

Once you've loved somebody
It ain't that easy to do
Once you've loved somebody
Like I loved you

"Down In Flames" by Mindy Smith
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad
And the loneliness both overwhelms and keeps me empty
That's how it's been for a while

And life's so hard
It's the little things that seem to be getting me today, yeah
Life's so hard
But I'm doing what I can to not to be getting down
I'm going down in flames
Going down in flames

I need some direction
I need someone to listen
Someone to tell me that they know

"What it Means to Love" by Meredith Andrews
How could I forget Your face
When all it took was just one day
For me to see it wasn't ordinary
I could never be the same

You took my hand and led the way
I didn't even know Your name
But something happened deep inside me
And I knew life would have to change

So how could I go back to life as usual
And how could I return to who I once was
I just want to take your story to the world
‘Cause you have shown me what it means to love

You healed the sick, You calmed the sea
But Your heart was for the least of these
You came to love the lost and broken
Your cross has set the captive free

Now I no longer live for myself
Your words are so clear
Help me live it loud enough so they can hear 

In the space of five songs, I wondered what I had done wrong, and how I could be better; I marveled at the misty changes from the beautiful love we used to share; I contemplated leaving them; I wallowed in the pain and sadness; and then I remembered the love that empowers me to get up from my comfy chair and cook the little rugrats dinner. We were all just fine from that point on. Thank God for grace, tea, and good music.

Sweater in a heat wave

Heady perfume of pee and sweat. Walking, wandering, shifting, moving. Rock pillows, bench slat beds. Nothing for blankets but whatever you own. Sweater in a heatwave, fully dressed in August so no one steals your life while you nap. Scrap dinners and hand out snacks. Longing for fruit but getting starbursts. Eventually the longing ends. Constipation, coughs, cancor sores, callouses. No conversation, no touching. Skin longs for skin, mind longs for mind. Only yourself to depend on until you finally give up. Fear of people - will he molest me? Will she snub me? Will they lock me up? Life survived but not lived. Tomorrow can't be better but can easily be worse.

Middle Sister Rebel Red

Rebel Red
Middle Sister Wines
Santa Rosa, California
$8

Every once in a while I feel the need to be rebellious. Well, truth be told, it's more than every once in a while but that's another story. I was having one of those moments in a place where having a glass of wine is looked on as sin of the highest degree. I saw this bottle and decided it was meant to be.

The wine wasn't great but was all that I needed it to be for the evening. The first sip was harsh but after about 10 minutes in the glass it mellowed a bit. The blend is zinfandel, merlot & cabernet sauvignon so it's never going to get all the way to mellow. For mealtime it would probably need to be matched with pizza or BBQ. In my opinion it has more value as an evening sipper, closing out the day with murderous tv.

So bottom line: it's just fine. The label will entertain but the wine won't impress. It's possible, though, you'll end the night in artist's black or motorcycle leather. Rebel on, my friends.

Playing Favorites

I don't have favorites. No favorite color, food, song, nothing. I even found myself saying one day that my husband was "one of my favorites" because I have so conditioned myself not to have favorites.

I get asked about favorites fairly often and often struggle to defend my lack of answer. It's not that I don't care, I promise. I'm not apathetic to life. I care deeply about the world around me. I want lots of color, lots of food, lots of song, everything. I just don't want to be fenced in. I refuse to choose and thereby let go of the chance to have all the others. If I choose a favorite color does that mean that folks will bring me only that color? If I have a favorite food does that mean I have to have that for every occasion? I don't want to miss out on any of the goodness life has to offer.

Today I'm wondering, though: am I too open-minded? I'm a musician but I don't have a favorite kind of music. I can play bits of different kinds of music but there's not much I do exceptionally well. I like to write but I dabble with visual arts as well. Like an un-cropped photo, I try to fit in everything. Would my artistic endeavors have more substance if I were willing to cut some things out?

I used to think that jack-of-all-trades was a good thing, until I learned the rest of the phrase: master of none. I'm no longer satisfied with the jack's freedom to dabble; I'm ready for mastery. To that end, I'm going to go on record here - on the internet that never forgets anything - to name a few favorites.

• My favorite music is jazz.
• My favorite foods come from Latin America
• My favorite color is yellow. And orange. Wait, can I have green too?

This might take a while. I'm working on it though, because I'm no jack.

Path of Bliss

"The more altruism we develop in a day, the more peaceful we find  ourselves. Similarly, the more self-centered we remain, the more  frustrations and trouble we encounter."
Dalai Lama, from Path of Bliss
I'm testing blogging from my phone today. There are quite a few things to ponder in that statement alone but I also stumbled upon this quote, which I've been meaning to ruminate on. Sitting in a peaceful spot with my coffee, I've decided to test the quote. Will the children - not to mention the general public - cooperate?

This is what happy feet look like.

 

Thou Shalt Not Be Bored

Recently we got a notice about a parenting seminar at the elementary school. "What to do with your kids this summer." I figure we're pros by now and there's no reason to waste an evening. Stan urged and almost insisted. Stan was right. I went to the seminar and came home with more ideas than I could possibly use in a summer. It doesn't seem fair to hoard them all so here's a smattering to share with brothers and sisters-in-arms.

Pie made from farmer's market cherries

Kitchen:

• bake and decorate a cake
• kids plan family meal and create shopping list
• have a tea party
• have kids pick foods to try at the farmer's market and plan a meal around what you bring home

Outside:

• watch the sun rise
• sit on the porch or by a window and watch a storm
• go star-gazing
• paint letters, words, and numbers with water and a paint brush
• use crayons and paper to make rubbings of tree bark patterns

Science experiment from last year. We love goop.

Science:

• gather a pile of objects and have kids guess which will sink and which will float
• use ribbon, bubbles, kites to see which way the wind is blowing
• find sources of iron in the house using magnets. Do different magnets behave differently? 
• make goop with corn starch, water, and food coloring
• try to sprout new growth from "garbage" food (carrot tops, potato eyes)

Math:

• take timed walks around the block. Practice telling time as you race to beat your family time.
• have kids throw a ball and then measure how far it went. How does that compare to the next throw?
• have child pick up 1+2+3+4 things in his/her room
• have child add up all the change in your pocket or purse

Service:

• bake for a family friend
• offer to help a neighbor with simple yard work
• write letters to elderly in church congregation or in a nursing home
• pick up litter in the neighborhood

Color experiments

Creativity:

• make cards and send them
• give kids a list of words and have them write a story using as many as possible
• write a song together
• have child draw on paper with a white candle then paint over it with watercolors
• study the work of one artist and see if children can imitate the style
• place 1 or 2 drops of food coloring on opposite sides of a bowl of milk. stand back and watch them swirl. (this moves to science if you talk with the kids about why it works that way.)

Active:

• garden
• observation walks
• create an indoor bowling alley with empty coke bottles and a rubber ball
• hide a treasure, make a map, and send them on their way.

This is our dentist's office.

Imagination:

• have child choose 4 to 5 pictures and then number them. The child tells a story using each of the pictures. 
• take an imaginary space trip with your child
• visit ethnic shops, food stores, and restaurants. Look at maps to plan your trip, and use books to set the stage before you go and review the culture afterwards.
• camp out in the living room. tell stories by flashlight.

Processing Summer:

• make a poster or scrapbook from ticket stubs, program notes, etc as the summer goes on
• keep a journal with drawings and thoughts from each day or each outing
•  use a large calendar to write messages, weather reports, or notes on activities

I hope these ideas help you and your children (not to mention me and mine) have blissful summer fun. Just a reminder, the vast majority of these ideas are not my own but came from a swath of parenting resources. I wish I could credit the creators but like much parenting brilliance, these ideas came without bylines.